Prepared for and Submitted by: Committee on Environmental Policy Projection, Office of National Statistical Hazard Evaluation, Department of Transitory Conceptual Ecosystem Management, U.S. Environmental Perfection Agency, Suite 36B (Poolside) Warren Harding Office Building, Washington, DC.
It has been reported  that large quantities of hydrogen oxide, in its liquid phase, are being used by major segments of the United States population in the laundering of personal textile assemblages. This shocking disclosure (Congressional Record, 78 rpm, Senator Langerhans with the Senate Chamber Chorale and Wind Ensemble) of the widespread use of a virtually untested laundry adjunct has brought the unflinching focus of this committee to examine the potential widescale health and environmental hazards of this material.
During the study, the U.S. Environmental Perfection Agency (EPA) has allows the continued use of water in laundering systems while continually monitoring the use of the chemical by means of an intricate network of trained personnel and relatives.
The startling report that water is not rapidly biodegradable  brought great urgency to a toxicological screening program of this potential hazard. Soon after this report was published it was discovered that some forms of blue-green algae do indeed degrade the liquid form of hydrogen oxide. Metabolic degradation residues were determined to be gaseous oxygen (O2), a material which dramatically increases the rate of combustion of flammable substances. Work currently in progress by the Massachusetts Academy for Study of Combustion and Other Things (MASCOT) will report shortly on this program.
Meanwhile, the People's Independent Committee for Knowledgeable Environmental Education (PICKEE) filed court action to ban the use of water in laundering, citing that over 90% of the materials used in the laundering process were essentially non-biodegradable or "hard". This group withdrew court action when the National Institute for Uncontrolled Scientific Studies agreed to undertake a $4 billion, three-year program to find a biodegradable substitute.
At that time, Swimmer and Drown  presented statistical evidence that serious toxicological evidence seems to exist for this widely-used chemical. A massive research program was administered to undertake new studies and to compile the mounting evidence against continued use of this chemical product.
Very few scientific studies on the toxicity of this compound existed prior to the Daft and Strange report of 1977. Von Needleman's landmark study (1980) of the effect on small animals of free-fall terminated by concrete pavement  was studied by this committee and it was decided to provide additional funding to construct a holding container for water test samples. Small animal specimens were dropped free-fall from a fixed height (known as the 12-meter high board) onto the sample's surface. The depth of water sample was varied until toxic effects were noted. In this manner, the LD50 values for several species were determined (Table 1). Curiously, this compound's toxicity had not been tested, prior to Von Needleman's work, in spite of clinical evidence of the presence of this compound in all samples of carcinoma cells investigated in 1963 by Publish and Parrish .
Recent work at the National Institute for Terraqueous Waste Industrial Testing (NITWIT) indicates that the toxic mechanism somehow involves the respirator activity except in test fish species which seem to show opposite results from other animals tested.
Water, in its dilute form, has been found to be undegraded and even toxic to bacteria found in the environment. Heppelmeyer  determined that water in its natural state has a concentration of 55.55 molar. In order to be properly studied, government researchers at the Profound Center for Ongoing Funded Research made serial dilutions with an inert diluent, hexane, in order to run biodegradation studies on lower molal concentrations. To achieve complete solubility, quantities of low molecular weight alcohols were added. In all cases, water was found not only to be resistant to bacterial degradation; it was observed that the bacteria were killed. Clearly, this oxide of hydrogen has far-reaching toxic implications.
Risible  noted that this compound has been observed to be persistent in the environment and collects in large quantities in nature. Clearly, some form of additional sewage treatment will be required to eliminate this hazard.
In its liquid state, hydrogen oxide has been implicated in the transport of sediment materials. The Mississippi River Delta Study by Donner and Blitzen  concluded that water may be a causative factor in the transport and sedimentation phenomenon. [DOOT DOO DE DOO DOOT--T.H.]
Subsequent laboratory investigations at Inland Underwater Research Center, Tucson, offers evidence that toxic metals, if solubilized by the compound in question, could be transported if the compound itself is transported. This investigation is being confirmed by independent tests at the Kleiner Arbeiten Institute in Hildashaven (Hilda's Harbor), West Germany.
In keeping with current federal agency practice, this committee will offer no final conclusions. Only preliminary data will be published and then only if highly-charged life and death issues can be portrayed as imminent dangers in the public press.
In order to carry on this urgent health and environment related work, this committee recommends continued funding for all programs now in place.
 Daft, I.M. and Strange, U.R. (1977). A new washday menace is lurking in the wings. Journal for Xenophobic Research, 38, 212-221.
 Donner, R.T. and Blitzen, S.C. (1971). Could water transport silt?--A preliminary investigation. Pseudoscience Reviews, 93, 1263-1271.
 Down, G.T. and Out I.R. (1978). A study of various things having to do with diverse matters. International Journal of Trivial Research.
 Heppelmeyer, G.T. (1980). Determination of the molal constant for hydrogen oxide (H2O). Zeitschrift f¸r Kranken Wissenschaften, 26, 840-846.
 Pubblish, A.T. and Parrish, T.A. (1963). Recent findings regarding the possible water content of several substances. Annals of Subsidized Irrelevant Research, 263, 1906-1918.
 Risible, H.A. (1980). Observations of the persistence of liquid hydrogen oxide in nature. Lake Tahoe Summer Rec. Bulletin, 17, 6-8.
 Startling O.O., Kresnick, A.H., Philanderer, O.H. and Yahoo, M.O. (1978). Continuous and semi-continuous degradation studies of oxides of hydrogen, 1. Hydrogen oxide (H2O). National Enquisitor Magazine (Rabble Edition), 22, 12-14.
 Swimmer, B.S. and Drown, G.L.P. (1979). Instances of death due to intake of liquid hydrogen oxide into the lungs--a statistical evaluation. Bulletin for Statistical Obfuscation, 7, 206-194.
 Von Needleman, E. von Von (1980). Tossing little animals out the window. Journal for Unusual Phenomena and Researchers, 18, 1296-1304.