Star Trek TNG "Lost Episodes" transcript.
- Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness with
the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?
- Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late
twentieth-century computing technology.
- [Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]
- [Riker looks puzzled.]
- What the hell is 'Microsoft'?
- [Data turns to answer.]
- Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows,'
through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin
consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.
- But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to
increase their storage capacity?
- Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it will create a new version of itself
called an 'upgrade.' The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The
Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability
will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.
- Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea.
- [. . . 15 minutes later . . .]
- Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and, as
expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We, however, have not received any
confirmation of the expected 'upgrade.'
- Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to
compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their
- Data, scan the history books again and determine if there is something we have missed.
- Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade.' Apparently the
Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their 'registration cards.'
- Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence
3F . . .
- [Geordi, excited]
- Wait, Captain, I just detected that their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!
- Data, what do your scanners show?
- Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'solitaire' and it
has used up all the CPU capacity.
- Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality.
- [. . . Two hours pass . . .]
- Geordi, what's the status of the Borg?
- As expected the Borg are attempting to re- engineer to compensate for increased CPU
and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up our
closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called
the 'Microsoft fun-pack.'
- How much time will that buy us?
- Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours.
- Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.
- It appears to have markings similar to the 'Microsoft' logo.
- [Over the speakers]
- THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE
CONFIRMATION OF UN- REGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN
AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS.
- The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid
- Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft.
- Good God Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no
life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!
- I do not believe that those are humans sir; if you will look closer, I believe you
will see that they are carrying something recognized in the twenty-first century as
doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.
- [Riker and Picard together horrified]
- It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017
during the great awakening.
- True, but apparently some must have survived.
- They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.
- I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape.' It often proves fatal.
- They're tearing the Borg to pieces!
- Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch. Not even the Borg deserve that.
[Back to Andy's Random Humor]