Newspaper Headlines

• Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
• Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate
• Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
• Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
• William Kelly Was Fed Secretary
• Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder
• Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted
• Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
• Farmer Bill Dies in House
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive:

• Queen Mary having bottom scraped
• Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
• Prostitutes appeal to Pope
• Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
• NJ judge to rule on nude beach
• Child's stool great for use in garden
• Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
• Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
• Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines:

• Eye drops off shelf
• Squad helps dog bite victim
• Dealers will hear car talk at noon
• Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
• Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
• Miners refuse to work after death
• Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
• Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

• Never withhold herpes from loved one
• Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
• Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
• Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

• If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
• War dims hope for peace
• Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
• Cold wave linked to temperatures
• Child's death ruins couple's holiday
• Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
• Man is fatally slain
• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
• Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Attribution unknown