Waiting for Goddess by Ken Arromdee Three years, thought Sasami. The three years are almost up. Just another few days, and then... what? She didn't know. She had barely started high school, and now she wasn't sure if it would be her who finished out the year. In one way, she was fifteen and a half. Counting the time spent in cold sleep, a few hundred. But Tsunami... Tsunami was eternal. "I hate you, Tsunami..." cried Sasami. * * * * * * Three years ago had been just six months after the Yuzuha incident. Tenchi, in fact the whole family, had gained a new daughter, who everyone loved and cared for, and they were going to celebrate Christmas. It was just like Startika, but on this part of the planet it happened in the winter instead. It was just something Tenchi said when everyone was gathered together laughing at old pictures of themselves. Kiyone wasn't in the fight against Yuzuha, so Tenchi had to explain everything to her that happened in Yuzuha's world. "So after we were wishing we had Tsunami", said Tenchi, "Aeka hit on the idea of bringing a branch of the tree Funaho in. With a presence of light, I got my abilities back... and then it was over. It was just a matter of time." "I never thought as hard before as when it was something to save Tenchi-sama..." said Aeka, delicately taking Tenchi's hand for emphasis. Ryouko, not one to be outdone, hovered in the air and hugged Tenchi from behind. "But you had Tsunami", said Kiyone. "From what you explained about what happened on Jurai with Sasami, you..." "Aeka and I couldn't", said Yosho. "It wasn't fair to our sister when we had another way. She needs to be a little girl still. We couldn't just ask her to turn into Tsunami." Sasami was sitting quietly, as she did more and more often these days. She was real... she knew it, she had to be. Everyone had said that she did still exist and that Tsunami was just fusing with her. But fusing with a tree... that was almost as bad as not existing at all. She wouldn't be real when it all happened. She would just be a minor part of some great entity who didn't care about her family or this house or shojo manga or anything except whatever great entities care about. Tears started to flow from her eyes at the prospect. "Sasami-chan?" asked Aeka. "What's bothering you?" Sasami gazed at Aeka in the face, but didn't answer. "Sasami-chan? You have to say something. Is it because you're worried that nobody cares about you any more since Mayuka's around?" "No! It's not that! You wouldn't understand!" yelled Sasami. Yosho, in his best authoritative voice, said "Calm down, Sasami. We're your family", then indicated Tenchi and Ryouko and the others and added "And your friends. You can tell us what's bothering you." "It's Tsunami! Someday I'm not going to be here any more and it's going to be Tsunami!" * * * * * * Sasami had bad dreams that night. In her dreams she was a figure, a woman whose body she couldn't see, watching over her homeworld Jurai. There were millions of people on it and it was a perspective unlike anything she had really experienced. She wanted to see what Aeka and the others were doing, and tried to focus on them. But the more she concentrated, the farther away each individual got. More distant and smaller, as if there was no such thing as individuals any more, no such thing as friends and family. Sasami cried out "Aeka! Tenchi-oniichan!" and ran towards them, but they disappeared into the distance at incredible speeds, into a dark forest full of leaves with pictures on them. It was too late when she reached them; she and them were no longer of the same kind. And when she looked at the leaves, somehow she knew that among them was one named Sasami.... Sasami woke up in a cold sweat. She rushed out and frantically knocked on Tenchi's door. She knew it was only a dream, but seeing his face at the door made her feel a little better. "Did you have a bad dream?" asked Tenchi. Tenchi would always comfort her when she did. "I had a very bad dream but I'm not sure it's a dream!" exclaimed Sasami. She began explaining it to him, and he listened patiently. "I was Tsunami and I didn't really care about you or anyone else and it was just like I was afraid of... Tenchi-oniichan, what's going to happen to me when I get older?" "When you get older... don't worry, you'll be beautiful." "I don't care about that now! I want to know how long I'll be me! Will you still be my Tenchi-oniichan?" "Why wouldn't I... oh, you mean after you become Tsunami? Well, for some reason I'm considered a very important person", said Tenchi. "Even by Tsunami. She likes me almost as much as you do, so I don't think you have anything to worry about." "But will it be Tsunami or me?" "I don't know, Sasami-chan. We'll have to wait to see when that comes. I... I don't want to upset you, Sasami-chan, I just don't understand Tsunami and I'm not sure anyone does. Sasami felt someone over her shoulder. Or was it Tsunami who felt that? No, her imagination's running away with her. It had to be. It couldn't be starting already. Then someone put a hand on her shoulder and she turned around to look. It was only her sister. "Oh, oneesan. You... you scared me a little bit." "It looked like you were pretty scared already. I wanted to make sure you were okay", said Aeka. "Did you hear everything I told Tenchi-oniichan?" "I heard just about all of it. I'll tell you what, Sasami-chan. You get some sleep and tomorrow morning we can talk to Washuu-chan and ask her all about you and Tsunami and what's going to happen to you. She always knows something about whatever problem we're having around the house." "Do you promise?" Sasami was just scared, thought Aeka. Besides, Washuu had to be able to say something to help calm her fears. "Hai, Sasami-chan, I promise." "Okay... I'll go back to sleep." * * * * * * Most of the time Sasami ended up making breakfast, since she and Washuu were the best cooks and Washuu considered cooking boring. This morning, however, Sasami left the eggs too raw. That wasn't a serious mistake compared to the damage someone like Ryouko could do to a dish of food, but it was obvious to most of her extended family that she had something on her mind. "Needs a little more thermal protein denaturization", said Washuu. "What?" replied Sasami. "It means that you didn't cook the eggs long enough. Is something bothering you?" "Yes, it's--" said Sasami, but was interrupted by her sister's hand over her mouth. "Washuu-chan", said Aeka, "Sasami-chan's had a bad nightmare and I thought that I could discuss it with you so that you can talk to Sasami later on." "I'm perfectly capable of talking to Sasami on my own", replied Washuu. "Was there anything specific you wanted to talk to me about?" "Nothing at all", said Aeka. "I just wanted to make sure that whatever words of advice you gave Sasami-chan were most calming. I would _never_ think of suggesting the _content_ of your advice." "Oneesan, I don't want that!" exclaimed Sasami. "I just... I just want to understand what's going to happen to me. If it's bad then please tell me all the bad stuff too." "I see", said Washuu, looking between Aeka and Sasami. "Well, Aeka, since you've told me what you were going to tell me, it's settled. I'll talk to Sasami as soon as breakfast is over, and you don't have to say another word. Isn't that convenient?" * * * * * * Washuu was the only person in the house that Sasami never had to tilt her head up to talk to. She looked across at Sasami and asked "Well, what seems to be the problem?" "It's hard to explain", replied Sasami. "It's a bad dream last night but it's not just a bad dream." "Please, explain", said Washuu. Sasami thought that Washuu seemed to be a lot nicer to kids than to grownups. Tenchi and Ryouko were scared by Washuu but she never did anything to scare Sasami. Washuu added, "Besides, if it's what I think it is it may be something I'm very interested in." "It's Tsunami", said Sasami. "I should be dead but I survived by being part of Tsunami but one day Tsunami's going to really be me but I still want to be me..." "Hold on. Go a little slower, Sasami-chan. I need to be sure I understand what you're saying. Is it that you're afraid of what's going to happen when you merge with Tsunami?" "Hai." "And you don't know what's going to happen. You don't know how it's going to alter your mind, your feelings for other people.... Merging with an alien intelligence certainly can be a life-altering experience, but I think you're worried too much. Everyone changes, Sasami-chan." "Everyone changes a little bit but not everyone turns into a goddess tree! I want to stay Sasami!" "Everyone changes a lot, Sasami-chan. I'm no longer the same person I was twenty thousand years ago... not by a longshot." "You can change but you're still you! I don't want to be somebody else who doesn't even think like me! I want to grow up... I want to be normal. I'm never going to grow up... I'm going to turn into Tsunami." "Don't be silly", answered Washuu. "Of course you'll grow up." There was a little hesitation in her voice, which Sasami instantly noticed. "How long is it, Washuu-san? How long before I merge with Tsunami?" "It's nothing to worry about." "You didn't say how long." "If you really want to know, Sasami-chan, I did an extrapolation from the power readings you've been giving off. There's a 92 percent chance that it happens in three Earth years." Sasami began sobbing. "Wait, Sasami-chan, don't cry." "I'm going to be gone in three years. I should have died back on Jurai." "Sasami! Calm _down_. That doesn't mean that you're going to be dead. Tsunami's not going to eat you; you're _both_ going to be assimilated with each other. There should still be a lot of you left. Besides, there's no evidence that Tsunami's personality will be so strong as to..." There was a knock on the door. Good, thought Washuu, they're finally learning to knock before entering. "Come in", she said. Aeka walked in and looked at Sasami, then threw a royal sneer at Washuu. "What did you tell her, Washuu-chan?" she asked angrily. "Poor Sasami-chan's crying." Washuu nonchalantly ignored the sneer, explaining what happened in her lecturing voice. "Aeka, I told her the truth. She's interpreted it in the worse possible way. She thinks she's going to die, and she's not. She's going to become part of a greater being, that's all." "That's _all_? That's like something you'd say to someone about to be eaten by a cannibal. What's the difference between becoming part of a greater being and dying? Either way, it's not _yourself_ that's there." "It's difficult to explain." "I'm sure it is", replied Aeka. "I think you should do something for her, not frighten her." Aeka hardly ever talks back to me, though Washuu. She should just brush off Aeka and... of course. That was it. It's a family thing. She's concerned for her sister, like someone would be concerned for their child. Well, guess Aeka can be forgiven. "Sasami-chan?" asked Washuu. She didn't respond. "Sasami-chan? I'm sorry for upsetting you." "It's not you, it's what's going to happen." "I don't think it's as serious as you think, Sasami-chan. Here, how about this. If you ever think that something's happening to you because you're merging with Tsunami, you come to me. I'm the greatest scientist in the galaxy, I'm not going to let you just fade away to nothing." "Oneesama?" asked Sasami. Aeka nodded. "It's all right, Sasami-chan. If anyone can do it, she can." "Then okay", said Sasami. * * * * * * Sasami had kept the childish belief that adults can do anything, at least where Washuu was concerned. Which was just as well, since where Washuu was concerned, it was usually right. A week later, Sasami went to an Earth school for the first time, and really did forget about the Tsunami problem. For a while, anyway. Several months later, Sasami knocked on Washuu's door again. "Come in, Sasami", said a voice, and Sasami was instantly teleported to Washuu's lab. "How did you know it was me?" asked Sasami. "Oh, it was your distinctive knocking pattern! I've programmed the computer to look for subtle, inaudible, variations in the vibrations. Anyway, this is about Tsunami?" Sasami didn't ask how Washuu had known that part. Anyway, she had to tell her. "Washuu-san, there was an accident at school. Akira-kun was sneaking around and he got caught in the machinery around the clock..." "Well, that happens. Is he okay?" "He's okay... I rescued him. Do you remember that dimension you accidentally sent me into, the one where I was at school and I turned into a superhero?" "Hai... you're not saying you turned into Pretty Sammy _here_, are you?" "I did do it and I rescued him, Washuu-chan... but I think I was stealing power from Tsunami to do it and I don't know if Tsunami likes it. I don't even know if it's right to take power from a goddess like that. I know that Tsunami's a goddess for sure... I just know that." Washuu shrugged. "I don't see anything wrong with it, Sasami-chan. She's not using that power. You may as well have some. By the way, what do you mean you just know?" "I think... I think when I used that power I remembered some things that Tsunami remembers. Tsunami was a goddess who was also a tree. I think I remember doing it, but it wasn't really me! I wasn't there then! I'm turning into her. I can feel it, Washuu-san." Sasami shuddered a little. "Listen, sit down, oneesan", said Washuu, motioning to a seat. Sasami started to sit down and suddenly stopped. "What did you call me?" asked Sasami. "You're right, Sasami-chan", said Washuu. "You are starting to remember. Because Tsunami wasn't the only one. I was a goddess once..." Sasami's eyes slowly began to widen. "Tsunami was my sister, before I became like I am now. I blocked it out of my head and gave up my power, but it was inevitable that I'd realize it just from my own research. You see, I've finally figured out the origin of Ryouko's gems." "Really? Do you remember things too?" "No, Sasami-chan, but I will. I must not have understood anything about being human when I chose to do it. But my memories are a part of me and if I once decided to reject them, I've decided to accept them. You should too." "But..." said Sasami, unable to think of how to say it. What Washuu was saying was strange, but Sasami believed it... if it was possible for Sasami to go to a school with no guards and nobody calling her a princess, anything was possible. But Washuu was still different. Washuu's goddess wasn't someone else, she was Washuu. Tsunami wasn't Sasami, and if Sasami became Tsunami, there would _be_ no more Sasami. * * * * * * It continued like that as the months stretched on into years. A week before Sasami's fourteenth birthday, her mother came to visit. She and Yosho talked about the presents Sasami was going to get, carefully speaking in Old High Juraian to keep Sasami from suddenly wandering in and listening in. Sasami wandered in and listened in anyway. Misaki immediately hugged her so hard she was nearly smothered, and then Yosho prepared to escort her out of the room. "Let's keep her here. She can't understand us", said Misaki. "It's a sweater, a kimono, a recipe book, and a set of the Jurai Encyclopedia", murmured a voice from near Misaki's chest. "How did you know that?" Misaki asked. In reply, Sasami only cried. * * * * * * In the following months, Sasami remembered lots. She felt a strange power sometimes, and knew that if she tried to recall how to use it she could do a lot more than just become Pretty Sammy. But she didn't want to. And she not only had dreams, but remembered things when she was awake. Things that happened a long, long, time ago, oddly devoid of emotion. She recalled when Tokimi left the other two goddesses, and remembered watching over the planet Jurai when she was the only one around. She wasn't impatient like a human would be; she was just there, she had decided to do it, and she would do it until she decided to do something else. That something else had been to become human, and when the opportunity came to her upon Ryouko's attack and an injured Sasami's presence, she took it.... * * * * * * And now, Sasami had just began high school. Time passed fast, when that was all the time she had left. Sasami had another week left as herself before... before what? There were already all those memories of things that she didn't do, but Tsunami, the goddess, did. Would Tsunami completely take her over in another week? She tried to talk to Tsunami once, in her mind. It didn't work; nobody answered. Sasami wanted to be a more normal girl; being a princess no longer mattered any more, but she had a worse problem. Being Tsunami. Sasami wandered, one last time, to Washuu's door and knocked. * * * * * * "Washuu-san! Washuu-san!" shouted Sasami as the door let her in. "I want to talk with you, please!" "Oh, just call me oneesan." "That's not funny! You know I'm afraid when I do that. Afraid of becoming someone else... it's going to happen in just a few days and then I _will_ be calling you oneesan and there won't be any more Sasami." "No, Sasami-chan", said Washuu. "I've done a review of my earlier calculations. I was off by about a year. You can stop worrying." "Oh", said Sasami, but then a thought crossed her mind. "Are you trying to make me feel better so it happens before I'm prepared for it or did you really make a mistake?" "I didn't make a mistake. A mistake would be if I said the date was 100 percent certain. Anyway, Sasami-chan, I made something of a breakthrough. I have enough of my own memories back, and I can confirm some things that you probably haven't even considered. "Fifty thousand years ago in Earth time, I was a goddess. There was something missing at the time, something missing from all three of us. It was humanity." "Humanity?" "Yes. We could do anything, but we really didn't understand why people had feelings, or what it was like to be someone eats and sleeps and falls in love and has a real family. Just sentients with great power, but no purpose. So one day, one of the goddesses left, Tokimi, on a quest for humanity. I don't know what happened to her, but I'm starting to get an inkling of that. But it's a story for another day. Now, the next to leave was me. I gave up everything, I put my power in the gems, forgot everything. When I created Ryouko, I only recalled that I was giving her something very precious. And I think that in the end, being human is worth it. "There was one left", continued Washuu. "Tsunami. She became human in her own way. You see, neither of us quite understood what it meant to be merged with Tsunami. Tsunami didn't have much in the way of feelings beyond a little curiosity, until you came along. All the emotions, all the personality, all the wants and desires and fears, in the combination, came from you. I hope you understand this. Sasami-chan, there is no way you can lose anything of yourself by combining with Tsunami." "You mean... I'll be merged with Tsunami in another year but I'll still be me?" asked Sasami. Washuu shook her head. "No, I was a year off, but that doesn't mean that you'll be fully merged with Tsunami in another year." Pausing, she finished the explanation. "It happened last summer." END