I have NO idea what "HC" is; this came off ba.singles, and I thought it was pretty funny.


Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste. Shirt front is wet. Mouth not open while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face. Buy another pint and practice front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Drinking gives no satisfaction and taste. Glass is unusually pale and clear. Glass is empty. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Feet wet and cold. Glass is empty. Turn glass the other way up, so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling.
Feet wet and warm. Incorrect bladder control. Go and stand next to nearest dog, after a while, complain to dog's owner about the lack of house training. Demand a pint as compensation.
Bar blurred. You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Bar Swaying. Air turbulence is unusually high. May be due to darts match. Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Bar Moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If you're not, complain loudly that you're being hijacked by the Salvation Army.
You notice the wall oposite is covered with ceiling tiles and strip lights. You have fallen over backwards. If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm then stay put.
Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of broken teeth and dog ends. You have fallen over backwards. As for falling backwards.
Everything has gone dark. The bar is closing. PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You wake up to find your bed cold hard and wet. You can't see your bedroom walls or ceiling. You have spent the night in the gutter. Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not then treat yourself to a lie-in.
As always, none of the material that is sent out by HC represents opinions, thoughts, deeds, morals, or repressed memories of HC's editorial staff. Should a person, living or dead, fictional or actual, be completely mortified by any material passed on by HC it is because that person: (a) read it wrong, (b) received a munged copy or (c) is way too uptight for their own good.

Copyright 1996, Lynn Gold.
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