| SYMPTOM |
FAULT |
ACTION TO BE TAKEN |
| Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste. Shirt front is wet. |
Mouth not open while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of
face. |
Buy another pint and practice front of mirror. Continue with as many
pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. |
| Drinking gives no satisfaction and taste. Glass is unusually pale and
clear. |
Glass is empty. |
Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Feet wet and cold. |
Glass is empty. |
Turn glass the other way up, so that the open end is pointing at the
ceiling. |
| Feet wet and warm. |
Incorrect bladder control. |
Go and stand next to nearest dog, after a while, complain to dog's
owner about the lack of house training. Demand a pint as compensation. |
| Bar blurred. |
You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. |
Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Bar Swaying. |
Air turbulence is unusually high. May be due to darts match. |
Insert broom handle down back of jacket. |
| Bar Moving. |
You are being carried out. |
Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If you're not,
complain loudly that you're being hijacked by the Salvation Army. |
| You notice the wall oposite is covered with ceiling tiles and strip
lights. |
You have fallen over backwards. |
If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm then
stay put. |
| Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of broken teeth and
dog ends. |
You have fallen over backwards. |
As for falling backwards. |
| Everything has gone dark. |
The bar is closing. |
PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| You wake up to find your bed cold hard and wet. You can't see your
bedroom walls or ceiling. |
You have spent the night in the gutter. |
Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not then treat
yourself to a lie-in. |
As always, none of the material that is sent out by HC represents opinions,
thoughts, deeds, morals, or repressed memories of HC's editorial staff.
Should a person, living or dead, fictional or actual, be completely mortified
by any material passed on by HC it is because that person: (a) read it wrong,
(b) received a munged copy or (c) is way too uptight for their own good.
